Is He Scared Of Me? What His Distance Actually Means About You

Women questions with “is he scared of me” usually picture some vision of aggression. What exists in reality is much more soft, and much more sad. A man who is scared of you is rarely scared of your strength. He is scared of how much you see through him, and how much you uncover of him.

Is He Scared Of Me? What His Distance Actually Means About You

What “Scared of You” Actually Means Underneath

Most of the time when a man retreats, and you sense fear, you are looking at an untrue reflection of fear and your character. It is fear of what you, to him, may represent. You are the possibility of him being exposed, and being exposed to you scares and intimidates a man who has been hiding parts of his self for years and years.

Fear of judgment

A lot of people have problems with their careers, their past, or their emotional maturity, and keep people at an arm’s length because of their presumed flaw, which they’re convinced, in time, everyone will see. His trepidation is directed at your ability, or rather likelihood, to deliver a scathing verdict, not your personality. He associates having a direct question posed to him, or a standard being communicated, with a test, which he is convinced he will fail. I usually show up in relationships with women who are self-assured, articulate, and clear in their communication and expectation. His fear is unfounded.

Fear of showing his real self

There are men who have developed a performative competence to a degree that leaves them unable to access their emotional vulnerability. For a woman who encourages emotional sincerity, they believe they’ve walked into a trap. They want and desire the emotional closeness, and at the same time don’t want to surrender their preferred emotional façade. The emotional dichotomy creates coldness and emotional distance, but is, in fact, emotional panic.

Fear of emotional exposure

Emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy do not correlate. A guy can bang and then go on his L and still feel safe from emotional vulnerability because he was only emotionally involved at a surface level. Having a discussion about your fears, dreams, and your childhood traumas will feel more vulnerable than having sex. Some guys will lose their shit out and end up distancing themselves from you because you have moved too fast in this relationship. One of the reasons sudden distancing occurs is due to moments of unexpected intimacy.

Your Own Traits Can Feel Intimidating

This is a slightly delicate point to make because this could be taken the wrong way and seem like you're placing blame. Any blame is to be taken off the table. Any traits you have, for example, your confidence, emotional depth, and directness are all things to value. However, these traits can ultimately feel threatening to someone who is still lacking the ability to define themselves.

A woman who knows her own mind can appear to be too much for a guy who has no sense of self because he's faced no variation in opinion, A woman who has emotions and is open to process them feels too much to a guy who was conditioned to bottle things up. A woman who has her shit together can feel too much, because a guy can see himself in her. Ultimately, none of this is your fault. None of this is a reason to not be yourself.

This question has less to do with what you are doing, and more about his inner feelings. You are not being too much. You are more than what he has the capacity of holding. There is an answer to this question that is more about psychology and less about logic. For a better understanding of the logic behind his withdrawal and what compels him to distance himself, reading about why people distance themselves can give you the tools to stop the compulsion of personalizing his withdrawal.

More often than not, this question is not even related to his fear of being intimidated. More often than not, this question is him trying to figure out whether his hesitation is due to fear, or if it’s something else entirely. If you find yourself in this question, check out is he scared or not interested in order to distinguish elevated fear from a typical lack of interest. The two answer choices have drastically different follow-

The Two Dimensions of Fear: Engulfment and Abandonment

Here, the research is actually applicable. According to The Attachment Project, in their clinically reviewed article “Fear of Intimacy: Signs, Causes & How to Overcome It,” fear of intimacy is two-fold. There is fear of losing yourself (which is engulfment), and fear of losing the other (which is abandonment). It is possible for both of these fears to be active in a person, and consequently, they can crave closeness, but can also pull away. The article is here: Fear of Intimacy: Signs, Causes & How to Overcome It.

In this situation, he could pull away from you for two entirely separate reasons. If he is engulfed with fear, he believes becoming more romantic will completely absorb his sense of being. In other words, he is scared he will disappear into the relationship. If he is fearful of abandonment, he believes closeness could end with the destruction of the romantic bond. This keeps the pain of loss more tolerable. To an outside observer, both scenarios will feel and appear to be the same, cold indifference. However, the complete opposite is true to each individual case. One is fighting to avoid being consumed. The other is fighting to avoid being completely ignored.

Recognizing the activation of a certain dimension informs the appropriate response. For example, a man fearful of engulfment will require space and reassurance that he will retain his identity. A man fearful of abandonment will require consistency and reassurance that you will not abandon him. 

The appropriate response to a man fearful of abandonment will not address the needs of a man fearful of engulfment. If the goal is to ultimately uncover the strongest signs of attraction, pay attention to withdrawal. If withdrawal is followed by a subtle attempt to reach out, it is probable this man is fearful of abandonment. Something may be amiss, however, if he completely disappears with no intention of returning.

Temporary vs. Persistent Discomfort

Some men may temporarily feel discomfort that eventually disappears as the absence of trust is replaced with trust. Others will remain stuck in the same state of discomfort for the rest of their lives. If you learn to understand the maze that is discomfort in men, you will avoid wasting time dealing with needless confusion.

Temporal discomfort will initially manifest as hesitancy that will eventually disappear. He may feel initial apprehension on account of his lack of trust and guardedness. This may even appear as awkwardness, but gradually, over the course of weeks or even months, he may eventually exhibit trust by initiating contact or noticeably restraining himself from flinching while you express your feelings. 

The trajectory of the relationship will undoubtedly experience a positive shift toward much greater intimacy, despite how gradual the process may be. This man is undoubtedly scared, but also learning to friends that you are trustworthy.

Deeper patterns typically look different. The fear never lessens. Every step forward is followed by an equal step back. He opens up on Tuesday and vanishes by Thursday. He has the same reaction to the same trigger every time, with no variation and no growth. This isn't discomfort. 

This is a man whose fear is hardwired to his attachment system, and will not be alleviated by anything less than real, profound change. If this is starting to sound familiar to you, take the time to understand his behavior by reading about why men pull away. It will help you understand more about whether this is just a passing phase or if it will be the case forever.

What to Watch For Going Forward

If you have a man that is scared of you, there are a few things to watch for before you proceed.

Do you believe his fear is about you or is it about fear of intimacy? Fear of intimacy with everyone is an issue that someone can work on. Because of the different people in his life, there are different scenarios that a man could be scared of depending on the relationships. These power dynamics will be different scenarios with different people. These will be issues of compatibility that you will have to decide if you can deal with.

Note his self-awareness about his behavior. For self-awareness to be present, a man must at least understand that he is standing away, or that he is doing this, or that he is doing this, but has no reason for it. Change, no matter how small, begins with observations, and that man begins self-awareness. The man that denies the withdrawal completely, blames it on you, and thinks you are crazy for pointing it out, has no ability for self-awareness, and therefore no potential for development. He cannot even see the problem.

How is the relationship progressing? Fear during the early phases is completely understandable, but fear that is of a completely different order, and does not improve, is problematic. You really should not have to live with this level of fear during the first 12 months to figure out that this person is not a threat to you. This is the person that needs therapy, and yes you should consider stopping your involvement with this person as your therapy is not unlimited.

Why is he scared of me? I have been nothing but kind.

There is the assumption that kindness results in the desired closeness. Kindness can actually have the opposite effect and make things worse because you can't really see what is happening as your behavior is an invitation to closeness, which is what he is most afraid of. It is actually your kindness that is inviting him to closeness.

Is he afraid of me or just uninterested?

If a guy is afraid of a woman and is nearby her, asking her about her life, and has some sort of caring actions, that shows fear. If he avoids her, forgets her answers, and doesn't reach out, that is lack of interest. Fear will have some type of pattern. Lack of interest will be a straight, flat line.

Why is he scared of me and why are other men not?

Every man has a personal limit for how close he will get to someone based on his history, his styles of attachment, and his current emotional state. A securely attached man might find your directness nice. An avoidant man might find it too much. The real problem is him, not you.

Should I just dim myself to make him feel safe?

You should never feel like you have to become a different person to ease someone's insecurity or fear. The right person will like you for who you are. He will have to gain strength to grow into who you are.

Can someone just stop being scared of me?

Sometimes. If it is a short lived insecurity, fear is just a temporary state until he feels more secure and more trusting. But if it is deeper bond attachment fear or traumas from his childhood, it is going to take him committing to help himself and going to therapy to help change it. You can't get him to overcome it by loving him.

Where His Fear Becomes Your Problem

It is one thing to comprehend the reasoning behind a man’s fear and another to let his fear control your relationship. It is admirable to have compassion, but there must be limitations otherwise it becomes self-destructive. You can understand and perceive his fear, but that won’t stop you from wanting a partner who is solid and supportive.

You need to ask yourself if you are the cause of his fear. It is a valid question. However, the most significant part is the answer to the question, what am I planning on doing with the answer I receive? If the fear is transient and he is attempting to address it, being understanding will only help him. 

If the fear is set in stone and he will not move past it and is anticipating you will make all the adjustments to your emotional state, there is no relationship there. You have a full time job, and you certainly did not apply for this. He should have someone who cherishes what you provide without being fearful of what you illuminate.