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| Avoidant Attachment in Men: Women's Guide to Healing |
Has it ever happened to you that the person who was everything to you in the beginning—a part of your heartbeat, your day and night companion—suddenly started changing? In the beginning, he loved you so much that it felt like the hero of a romantic film had entered your life. But after a few months, the same person started ignoring you, answering your calls late, and disappearing when you needed him.
If yes, then you are not alone. I (Mehul) am writing this because I have seen and experienced avoidant attachment in men very closely. This is not a theory from a book—this is the reality of my wife Kiran and me. We were separated for seven months, and during that time I saw firsthand how an avoidant man loves and also runs away. I cannot fake that pain. And maybe that is why you are reading this article—because you too must be struggling with that confusion, that pain, and that question of "Am I not enough?"
Today I will not just give you information, but I will share my experience so that you understand—it was never about your worth.
1. The Paradoxical Beginning: When love is not real, but a safe fantasy
I remember when Kiran and I first started dating. I was very expressive—constant text messages, little surprises, and being around her all the time. She was everything to me too. At that time, I thought, "This is it, this is my life now."
But the truth is that the "honeymoon phase" was a safe zone inside me. Everything was light at that time—there were no deep vulnerabilities. And this is where avoidant attachment is most visible in men.
He will idealize you—you will feel that you are special to him. But this attraction has less to do with your reality and more with his imagination. As long as the relationship is easy and there is no risk, he will give everything. But as soon as the relationship demands emotional intimacy—that is, vulnerability, dependability and depth—he begins to panic.
I also started backing off. I reduced my phone conversations. Where earlier it felt necessary to meet every week, now excuses like "there is too much work" and "I need some space" started increasing. And Kiran felt—"Have I made a mistake? Am I falling short?"
This is where the biggest confusion for women begins. The truth is—it's not about you. It's about her past and her attachment style.
2. A fortress, not a foundation: fear of intimacy
The love of an avoidant man is a fortress with walls—it looks beautiful, but you can never fully enter inside it. He has a deep fear of intimacy.
For me, intimacy meant, "If I open up completely, I might get hurt." This fear came from my upbringing. When you repeatedly experience rejection or emotional neglect in childhood, your nervous system perceives intimacy as a threat.
So when Kiran started coming closer to me, demanding more openness from me, that old fear arose inside me. I started maintaining distance. And this was very confusing for her—because she could see that I was capable of loving, but I did not seem to be the same person I was in the beginning.
It's true: Avoidant attachment in men is never meant to hurt you intentionally. It's an unconscious survival response. Just like someone with an allergy and his body reacts on its own—an avoidant man sees emotional intimacy as a threat and retreats.
3. From my experience: The question of Kiran's eyes
I still remember that evening when Kiran looked into my eyes and said, "Mehul, you say you love me, but your behavior makes me feel as if I am alone in this relationship. What is the truth?"
Her question hit me straight in the heart. Because the truth was that I myself was not able to understand why I was backing off. Kiran thought it was her fault, but actually it was the fear inside me. This is the game of avoidant attachment in men—he will love you and also go away, and will do both things in such a way that you start questioning yourself.
4. Why is it so painful for women
Loving an avoidant man is a roller-coaster ride. One week you'll feel like you're the most important person in his world, and the next week you'll feel like he doesn't need you at all.
This inconsistency hurts the most. And for women it hurts doubly because you naturally want to take the relationship to the depth. But the avoidant man is afraid of depth.
If you yourself are anxiously attached, this becomes even more difficult. You will chase him, seek reassurance, and his retreat will trigger you even more. This is where the toxic "anxious-avoidant dance" begins.
If you feel that your partner repeatedly avoids intimacy by making the excuse of being "busy", then you can read our article: Is he really very busy or is he just running away from you?
5. The Hidden Strategies of the Avoidant Guy
Avoidant attachment in men is not a simple matter of "don't want it". They love, but intimacy triggers them. And to avoid this fear, they adopt some subtle strategies.
| Avoidant Strategy | What It Looks Like | Impact on Partner | Real Reason |
|---|---|---|---|
| Ghosting/Semi-Ghosting | Sudden disappearance, delayed responses, "need space" | Confusion, self-doubt, anxiety | Fear of emotional vulnerability |
| Phantom Ex Syndrome | "My ex was more understanding", idealizing past relationships | Feeling inadequate, competitive thoughts | Avoiding current intimacy demands |
| Unreachable Standards | "Waiting for perfect person", "something is missing" | Constant striving, never feeling enough | Mask to avoid commitment |
| Hot and Cold Behavior | Intense love followed by sudden distance | Emotional whiplash, insecurity | Internal fear-love conflict |
1. Ghosting or Semi-Ghosting
Has it ever happened that your partner suddenly disappeared saying "I need space"? Or the replies to messages that used to come within 2 minutes now take 2 days? This is the classic defense of the avoidant man. He does not leave you completely, he just creates enough distance so that he feels in control.
👉 The same thing happened with me. Kiran often used to think, "You are online, but why are you not replying to my messages?" And I used to not reply because I was afraid that if I talked right now, I would go into deep trouble.
2. Phantom Ex Syndrome
This is very common among avoidant men. They often idealize their past relationships. For example, "My ex was very understanding" or "She gave me space." This is actually a way to keep the current partner at a distance—to avoid intimacy.
👉 I used to often say, "Kiran, I feel there were not so many fights in my previous relationship." These words used to break her. But the truth was that I was afraid of current intimacy, so I was glorifying the past.
3. Unreachable Standards
Avoidant men often say to you:
- "I am waiting for the perfect girl."
- "I think now is not the right time."
- "You are fine, but I feel something is missing."
In fact they themselves don't know what is missing. This is just a mask to avoid intimacy.
6. Kiran's struggle: "Am I not enough?"
This was the most painful phase for Kiran. She would look at me – sometimes completely loving, sometimes absolutely cold. And every day the same question would echo in her mind: "Am I too much? Am I lacking?"
👉 This is the biggest effect of avoidant attachment in men – it forces you to doubt yourself.
I still remember one night when she cried and said: "Mehul, I am unable to understand whether you love me or not. You say yes, but your actions say no."
I still remember the pain in her eyes. And the truth is—at that time, I was not able to love myself either.
7. Signs for women (Red Flags)
If you're dating an avoidant man, here are some red flags to look out for:
- He avoids emotional conversations
- When you get closer, he becomes "busy" or "confused"
- Sometimes he will be very romantic and attentive, and other times suddenly distant
- "I need space" would be his favorite excuse
- His behavior will change as soon as it comes to commitment
👉 If this pattern is happening repeatedly, then understand that this is avoidant attachment and not your fault.
8. When to stop chasing
This is the biggest trap—you think, "If I just give him more love, he'll change." But the truth is— an avoidant man won't change unless he admits he has a problem.
Your job is not to change him. Your job is to save yourself.
👉 If you are stuck in this cycle, I strongly recommend you read our article: How to heal yourself after a heartbreak: Self-Love Journey
9. Taking back your power
It is not easy to break a relationship with an avoidant man. Because he will give you so much love that you will feel that "maybe he will change now." But true healing is possible only when you stop connecting your value to him.
- Set Healthy boundaries
- Start therapy or journaling for yourself
- Remind yourself—"It was never about my worth"
👉 If you need step-by-step guidance, then you must read this article with real stories: How to recover after a breakup (with Kiran's true story)
10. My Truth: How I Changed
Losing Kiran was the most painful experience for me. When we were separated for 7 months, I looked into my eyes for the first time and thought - "Will I always keep running? Will I ever be able to truly love someone?"
That isolation broke me. But that's where my healing began. I took therapy, understood attachment theory, and most importantly—apologized to Kiran.
Today we are back together. But the difference is—now I recognize my triggers and talk about them instead of running away.
Conclusion: It was never about your value
Avoidant attachment is the most confusing experience in men. He will first take you to heaven, then leave you in hell. But remember—his withdrawal is not about you. It is the result of his deep-rooted fears and past trauma.
You have to understand that your healing and your strength begins the moment you stop chasing him and start validating yourself.
